Keeping Up

For those of you who have “reprimanded” me for my lack of blogging prowess and blog upkeep…I’m sorry.  I can see that this thing is going to take time and energy, which I have little of both these days, or ever.  Time management has never been my strength not only because I am a procrastinator, but also because my attention span is quite contingent on my surroundings.  I don’t really have A.D.D. that I know of, but ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that keeping my attention is difficult.  I don’t know if that is a character flaw or just the way I am.  Just as I wrote that last sentence my mind went to a different place.  So follow me on a rabbit trail for a sec…

That kind of sounded like an excuse, “just the way I am.”  I never want to justify my shortcomings, although easy, with excuses.  If there is a character flaw that I am aware of, or not aware of, I really desire to focus on that and “grow” through the challenges of facing my own “crap.”  So anyways, when I wrote, ” or just the way I am,” in my first paragraph I remembered all the times I have and other people I know have justified their shortcomings with some lame excuse like that.  I don’t want to be that guy.  That is where my rabbit trail came from.

My time lately has been eaten up faster than I can even keep up with.  That isn’t a “poor me” complaint, just fact.  However, most of my “lack of time” is self inflicted.  I have a full time job, (necessary for family) a part time job, (necessary for me) and a new born baby girl that I don’t get to see enough because of the two jobs.  Somewhere in there my wife and I are trying to reconnect after 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, and now trying to figure out what being married looks like with a child in our lives.  I also desire to be great at whatever I do which puts an incredible amount of stress on me.  Not to mention that I do a lot of things that I am good at, but not great at.   I created that stress, and I created the busyness, it is all a product of my choices, so I am just learning how to deal with my reality.

I am really fighting the reality that getting older brings.  I know that I am not that old, 26, but man I feel like I am way older.  Its not as easy to keep in shape, though “shape” is subjective.  Its not as easy to stay up late, get up early, eat well, work out, practice all the instruments that I play so that I am a little better than mediocre at them, continue to be “good” at the sports I used to play…blah, blah, blah I know!  I can’t do  it all anymore.  I have to choose what I want to be good at and let the rest go, but I am really struggling with that.  “I used to be able to…” is the most depressing comment.  All of us have to define what in our lives we want to run after and what in our lives we have to release to the past.  Now don’t get me wrong, I will always love playing basketball for 3 hours on friday nights, playing flag football in leagues, playing golf with good friends, water skiing/wakeboarding, snowboarding…etc whatever I used to do to keep my competitive edge sharp and my A.D.D. satisfied, but I have to realize and accept that I’m not going to be the best.  There is always someone younger, better, faster, stronger…I am just rambling and being vulnerable at the same time.  Bottom line, I’m struggling with my ever changing reality.

I’m learning how to blog still, so sorry for the long boring entry, I will try to update more consistently so I don’t ramble so long.

later.