Who am I?
I am not who I used to be. Who I’ve become isn’t who I want to be, but I am who i am. I am the result of who I was, moving towards who I want to be, but falling short because of who I am. Who I desire to be is who I will become when I give up who I am to who created me.
Sounds simple right? It sure is hard to let go of who you you are, who you want to be, and maybe who you used to be to allow God to create you into who He wants you to be. Wish it was easier!
Surrender…
Today I thank God for life…for family…for sustenance…
Today would have been the 21st birthday of a dear friend of mine and my family’s who died in a motorcycle accident while in Arizona at a motorcycle mechanics school. Thisi tragedy rocked the small town of Wilton Iowa where I’m from. He was involved in just about every sport you could be in and extremely talented. People were drawn to him when he walked into a room. He impacted a lot of people in his life. It is interesting to see his Facebook(which obviously still exists cause nobody can get into it) but tons of people wrote him a birthday wish and said a few words. Moving. I had the privilege of mentoring Nic along with my little bro. We spent time on the water wakeboarding, we snowboarded together, and I got to take him to Young Life Camp as a counselor. This is where he decided he wanted to surrender his life to Jesus.
He was too young, too much potential to be stripped of a future.
Nic, I love you and miss you.
savor your moments you have here. Be grateful for your days, your family, and friends. So today, I thank God for the gift of life.
Obama elected President. Time for America to turn the page and walk into the next phase of democracy. Good or bad, fair or unfair, realistic or not, America will stand. If nothing else, I pray that Obama chooses to run this country with integrity, honor, and morals, and that God is a part of his leadership. That’s it.
I have been wrestling with God lately in my time with him. He always seems win….hmm. Inevitably, once through my prideful attacks at God’s processes of challenging me, I always end up learning something more about myself and God. I think that my persistent “fights” with Jesus just teach me more about the abundant grace and mercy poured out on me. Maybe a little unorthodox, but effective nonetheless.
It is so easy to be a scoffer and come up with reasons as to why the “Truth” that the Bible is doesn’t apply to me. I’m done with it though!. I can’t keep doing that. It is more detrimental to me, my family, and my life in general. I don’t have the energy to continue to carry the weight of doubt. It is too hard. I’ve been meaning to update my blog from this past weekend’s message from Pastor Tom Mullins.
2 Peter 1:20-21; Above all, you must understand that no prophecy of Scripture came about by the prophet’s own interpretation. 21 For prophecy never had its origin in the will of man, but men spoke from God as they were carried along by the Holy Spirit.
Isaiah 40:8; The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever.
Over the history of scientists, pharisees, scoffers, and just doubting seekers trying to disprove the accuracy of the bible with archaeological digs and other historical documents, not once has there been a challenge that has carried any factual weight. Not once has the existence of Christ Jesus been disproved. Not once has the historical accuracy of the Old and New Testaments been proven otherwise.
This just goes to prove the irrefutable, unmistakable legitimacy of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the power of the Word of God.
I will rest in this.
Greetings from many months before. I’ll officially own that I am terrible at keeping a blog, and updating it for that matter. Oh, well, here is another one.
I’m sure many of you can relate to this post, or at least I hope so! If not, the little voice in my head that I am convinced is not Jesus talking is right, and that is depressing. I want a lot. Not necessarily only things, but feelings, interactions, approvals, affirmations, recognition, etc….you get the point. See any dangerously unsafe trends? This is me being transparent and vulnerable. I don’t have a lot of people who I can share things like this with and not get judged. So I figured I’ll use anyone who will listen. I don’t need responses, maybe just to journal. Some may argue that I should do this on my own, alone in a room, with Jesus, and I do! However, sometimes in those moments, i learn something about myself that might connect with y’all, so I’ll throw it on the website that I never update and people don’t really read anyways. Feels safe to me.
For this to make sense to anyone, you’ll need to think about what it is that you love, what it is that makes you tick, what it is that gives you life, rejuvenates your soul when you do it, what it is that you feel you are here for. Mine, is music. Music in many lights. Many different avenues. Music usually tied in with ministry is where I land, however, not always. Music alone for me is sometimes therapeudic enough for just me, alone in a room. I think about music all the time, I breathe music almost everyday, my part time job demands music from me. I can justify my cause in many different ways, but the reality it, my identity is in music, and that is where I’ve failed.
I am a writer. Well, I used to call my self a writer (music of course) then I just sort of dried up. Nothing creative flowing out of me, musically or lyrically. I used to write my prayers daily on a legal pad I’ve had since the beginning of college and transform my prayers into music and poetry. Now I hardly pray, much less journal or write. I can plan on writing, sit down and do nothing but think and play the same thing I have been for years. The problem runs deeper than my creative juices not flowing. It’s a heart problem. It’s a priority problem. It’s a pride problem. It’s all sorts of problems that i haven’t even thought of yet. I don’t doubt that music is supposed to be a major part of my life, and will be for a long time, but I need to re-evaluate what it is I am doing, and what for.
Do you know what is consistent about all good writers (those who love Jesus at least), the know the Word. The read it, they live it, they breathe it. It is alive in their lives, it becomes alive all around them. “In the beginning was the word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made.” John 1:1-3. Through him all things were made! Without him, nothing. So there is my problem. I long to be a lover of the Word. I want to feed on it, as life depends on water, on food, on sustenance, I want the Word to be that for me.
Discipline. That is it. Time to be a man and take care of what is important first. I will love my God, I will love his Word, and I will love his people. For me to be able to write a song that is capable of connecting people with their creator, it has to come from a place where the writer has connected with his creator. I have many voices in my head that are telling me different things. The one that i am convinced, or at least my wife is convinced is Jesus is the one that says, “I will give you a new song to sing as soon as I am ready for you to have one, and as soon as you do business with me!” Not on my terms which really ticks me off. Jesus always wins our fights.
So here is what I long for…For my passions and desires to be found in and through Jesus, my savior, then and there will I find satisfaction in what I long for so desperately. Not on my terms, maybe not meeting any expectation i’ve ever had, but it will happen.
And so the place I need to start is with my first desire. For it to be enough, completely, For me, and Jesus, to be alone in a room. No guitars, not band, not music. Just us…
Two words…Viral Meningitis…I hope all of you never ever have to hear or even worse experience. Friday August 15th I was admitted to Jupiter Medical Center for 6 days diagnosed with Viral Meningitis. For those of you who don’t know…there are two kinds of Meningitis. One that will Kill you (Bacterial) and one that will make you wish you were dead (Viral), I had the latter of the two…Lucky Me.
It started like a flu, then moved to a headache, then a real bad headache, then a headache that exceeded any pain I have ever experienced nonstop. Couldn’t be dulled with normal drugs. While in the emergency room, I was scanned with just about every scanning type of machine they had. Finally the doc came in and asked how my pain was only to find out that there was no relief from the wimpy drugs they were pumping in me, so he put me on a Morphine drip. Finally some relief. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep…miserable. I lost a total of 25lbs in the process, gained about 7 back when I started eating again. However, I wouldn’t recommend the “Meningitis Diet.” Not a reliable or encouraged, or healthy option, but it works.
One thing I learned out of this process though is that I value life a lot more than I realize. I couldn’t see or hold my newborn daugther for a week. There is much that i haven’t done, haven’t started, and haven’t finished yet. I knew I wasn’t going to die once the doctors told me what I had, but just the word Meningitis freaked me out enough. I’m just not ready.
Thanks to those of you who were praying for me and my family through this tough time. I’m up and moving, walking and talking, but still suffer from NO ENERGY. Walking across the room makes me tired, if I don’t get 3 meals a day I am worthless, and I am constantly dehydrated. Pray for my wife Sami and our daughter Tessa. Sami has had to take care of an infant, and an adult who was just about as helpless as an infant for these two weeks. She needs me to be better so that I can help with Tess and also work so that we have income. Also, now that I work at the church, I haven’t been around to fulfill my obligations there for 2 weekends. I am excited to get back into it…I need to, its good for my soul to lead worship and play music.
Anyways, that’s all for now.
For those of you who have “reprimanded” me for my lack of blogging prowess and blog upkeep…I’m sorry. I can see that this thing is going to take time and energy, which I have little of both these days, or ever. Time management has never been my strength not only because I am a procrastinator, but also because my attention span is quite contingent on my surroundings. I don’t really have A.D.D. that I know of, but ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you that keeping my attention is difficult. I don’t know if that is a character flaw or just the way I am. Just as I wrote that last sentence my mind went to a different place. So follow me on a rabbit trail for a sec…
That kind of sounded like an excuse, “just the way I am.” I never want to justify my shortcomings, although easy, with excuses. If there is a character flaw that I am aware of, or not aware of, I really desire to focus on that and “grow” through the challenges of facing my own “crap.” So anyways, when I wrote, ” or just the way I am,” in my first paragraph I remembered all the times I have and other people I know have justified their shortcomings with some lame excuse like that. I don’t want to be that guy. That is where my rabbit trail came from.
My time lately has been eaten up faster than I can even keep up with. That isn’t a “poor me” complaint, just fact. However, most of my “lack of time” is self inflicted. I have a full time job, (necessary for family) a part time job, (necessary for me) and a new born baby girl that I don’t get to see enough because of the two jobs. Somewhere in there my wife and I are trying to reconnect after 9 months of a difficult pregnancy, and now trying to figure out what being married looks like with a child in our lives. I also desire to be great at whatever I do which puts an incredible amount of stress on me. Not to mention that I do a lot of things that I am good at, but not great at. I created that stress, and I created the busyness, it is all a product of my choices, so I am just learning how to deal with my reality.
I am really fighting the reality that getting older brings. I know that I am not that old, 26, but man I feel like I am way older. Its not as easy to keep in shape, though “shape” is subjective. Its not as easy to stay up late, get up early, eat well, work out, practice all the instruments that I play so that I am a little better than mediocre at them, continue to be “good” at the sports I used to play…blah, blah, blah I know! I can’t do it all anymore. I have to choose what I want to be good at and let the rest go, but I am really struggling with that. “I used to be able to…” is the most depressing comment. All of us have to define what in our lives we want to run after and what in our lives we have to release to the past. Now don’t get me wrong, I will always love playing basketball for 3 hours on friday nights, playing flag football in leagues, playing golf with good friends, water skiing/wakeboarding, snowboarding…etc whatever I used to do to keep my competitive edge sharp and my A.D.D. satisfied, but I have to realize and accept that I’m not going to be the best. There is always someone younger, better, faster, stronger…I am just rambling and being vulnerable at the same time. Bottom line, I’m struggling with my ever changing reality.
I’m learning how to blog still, so sorry for the long boring entry, I will try to update more consistently so I don’t ramble so long.
later.
Well…here I go, jumping on the quintessential, stereotypical blogging bandwagon. I always fancied myself an outside the box, boundary pushing, ragamuffin outlaw. However, recently I find myself really envying/coveting/just wanting some pretty trendy things. I really want a macbook pro…again pretty stereotypical “creative musician/worship guy.” Also I would love an iphone, luckily the only thing that keeps me from getting one (besides my wife rolling her eyes and shaming me) is that I hate AT&T, I think that the anti-christ might come from that company! OK, a little extreme, I have to apologize for my thought process. I don’t really have a delay editor for my thoughts when I write or speak for that matter. If it pops into my head, its coming out, usually in the form of verbal vomit. Sometimes, however, some pretty cool things might come out. It would be nice if I had a “on deck” circle for my thoughts, unfortunately its usually just “BATTER UP!” I’m probably not as bad as I make myself out to be. ANYWAYS! Back to my G.A.S. 
My good friend Joe Cromey’s wife, Tina, introduced me to this acronym. Gear Acquisition Syndrome. Pretty accurate for you musicians out there or even those of you who are gadget addicts.
So…I’ll try this blog thing. I don’t really know how to advertise it or even make it available to my friends or even the world. If nothing else, I could use a place to discharge my thoughts. It gets pretty messy in my head if I don’t get to externally process. So we’ll try it. Thanks for listening.
Later.
